2 days out on the hill for a shake-down trip with 8 students and 3 other leaders of a group from north carolina. one day "off"; a dry out day filled with plans and preparations for the next day where we will take off for a 7 day ski expedition into the montana mtns. 7 days literally living and sleeping in and around snow, getting to know each other, hearing life stories, pushing through some long days and longer nights, making miles, fresh turns, new ridges and summits, meals together and coming out with some incredible views. Come back for a day to dry out, hang out with some good friends who came for a weekend visit and then back up again with the Explore students for 3 days of their 2nd ski rotation. New students, new beginnings and more joys and challenges. Now down for a day of good rest, hitting the frontcountry slopes tomorrow with the north carolina group, before going back up again for another 4 days with explore's specialization - again with the priviledge of getting to spend that time with people in the snow and on skis. 12 days out of 15 in the winter environment with 5 more to go...

"why do we (I) do what we (I) do?" - I have been asking myself this a lot these days. this question often comes out in different ways and sometimes is much harder to answer then other times.

...It's been snowing all day, the landscape is socked in, veiled in a shroud with visibility limited. We've been traveling for hours, the morning seems a long time ago - was that really only this morning when we destroyed our snow shelters, our protection from the snow and cold, and turned our backs on the way we came, the way we knew and set off into the cloud with just a brief glance at our destination which at the time seemed only a stone's throw away? The pack on my back seems heavier then it was before and i marvel at the student's load and perseverance as they carry packs with heavier personal gear and are still struggling to travel on skiis that they just learned to use 3 days ago. My fingers are numb, my continuing mission is to keep the circulation flowing even as we travel. After almost 6 hrs we have made 2.5 miles through the snow to a saddle on the ridge; not the planned destination but some flat ground with good snow - a great option for a campsite as the grey light is fading to black. "only half a mile to the goal" someone says, "we can make it - less travel later on... only a little further!" The group votes - everyone is tired but agrees - we can make it! we're almost there! one more hour max...

3 hrs later... The trees grow incredibly thick here - routefinding becomes navigating a maze - all in the dark. the slopes are the steepest the group has encountered and the snow lies very deep - snow sliding under every ski means that for every foot actually gained means the effort required for 3 or 4 feet. climbing and cutting switchbacks is exhausting and progress is painfully slow - those in the front sweating and breathing heavy - those in the back freezing. with the snow depth and slope angle the few clearings we find hold the very real danger of avalanche so instead of a breath of fresh air it becomes another obstacle in the way - more terrain to cover, back into the maze of trees again... All this is made worse by the fact that we had the chance to camp 3 hours ago.

I have been this way before, I had an idea of what this way would hold... while the group was deliberating Josh had asked whether we should influence the decision... is it safe? "the risk is managable." is what I had said and thought I knew what it would be like. I knew it wouldn't be that much fun then, but as I stood behind the trainbreakers and watched them struggle up a particularly difficult switchback I hadn't pictured or imagined this. I wondered if it was too much - did we, did I allow them to get in way too far over their heads? It definitly was... they had been on skis for 3 days, this was the 2nd day with 60+ lbs packs - way over their heads...

"Why do we do what we do?" Fun, beauty, spending time with people, challenge - these are some of the answers I have come to but these times cause me to come back to the question again. regardless, to the question life continues on...

one student yells in frustration, "there's no way through - we have to go back"; one grimaces with the pain of a knee injury they've been dealing with all day, the thought of retracing steps and what that extra effort means for her pain; one of the student leaders for the day verbalizes the regret about the decision to keep going and admits, "I don't know what to do... I have no idea where we are... What now?" A student drops down to snow utterly exhausted and in tears, "I'm done, I can't go any farther."

That half mile took 5 hrs. entirely in the dark, mostly socked in by trees and cloud, and I can say with confidence that I know that every single one of us was praying for salvation the whole time. God never pulled us out of it, but he definitely was answering our prayers. In different ways God met each of us where we were at - speaking to our frustration, strengthening us amidst the pain and exhaustion, granting a sense of peace - not giving challenges to match our strength but strength to match our challenges.

I can't always see it and though I talk about it often I had to be reminded of the fact that night. These experiences are the blessing and an important reason why I love the outdoors, why I love this kind of thing. I continue to learn what it really means to be a leader - a non-anxious influencing presence. It is here I find the my illusion of control shown to be what it is, and I am reminded of who we are and who God is. This is another reminder, another reason for why...

haha, this was way too long for my one cup of coffee and cocoa... all the same, hope your coffee was as enjoyable as mine.

coffee anyone?

First entry in a new blog, welcome to my attempt to keep in touch better with those that I don't get to connect to in person as often as I would like. Much of this is the nature of the distance and nothing I can put up on this blog will substitute for a long road trip to grab a good coffee and a long convo... (any takers?) Regardless, I find myself in the inconvienent position of having no car, little money, and leading somewhat of a nomadic existence which has me missing too many people I have left behind. So I would like to ask you to grab a cup of coffee with me; listen to my ramblings as I seek to give you a picture of my life as it's happening and let me know what's going on on your end.